When people see me during the day, it isn’t obvious at all that I am hurting.  It is my soft tissue, muscles, tendons ligaments, but now Dr.s say it is coming from my back. I have about 5 “good” hours. The anti-inflamitory is working, sometimes I take tramadol, but if something gets my attention I can focus and function pretty well. I forget about my body, I am on, I just do. Sometimes I still hurt, but i push through it, I always have.  Sat morning, Neubee wouldn’t load in the trailer. I am trying to make plans and commit to activities. I spent way too long waving my arms, beating his butt every time he turned away. It became a battle of the wills, and he was winning because i couldn’t get in a safe position to beat his butt or make him lunge. Finally I laid on the horn, long and loud, and my husband who had been in the house all the time, with the dog, while I was trying to get the stupid horse to go in the trailer, opened the door.   I said, “I know you know I am out here having trouble, could you please come and help me?”  Well, today, I am suffering from the ordeal of moving frantically trying to stay safe. I wanted to just kill him. ………